The Gutsy Guide to Speaking Up When You’re Shy, Anxious or Seriously Overthinking It
For everyone who’s ever felt their heart race before speaking up, who’s rehearsed what to say only to forget it all or who’s stayed silent when they had something valuable to share – this one’s for you.
You want to speak up. You want to be able to say the thing in your head. Share your idea. Ask the question. Tell the story. Offer your work. Let people in.
But when the moment comes? Your mouth dries up. Your mind blanks. Your chest tightens. Or your words come out rushed, shaky, awkward. Or you say nothing at all and beat yourself up later.
If you’re shy, socially anxious, introverted or just deeply sensitive to how others perceive you, you’ve probably lived this cycle more times than you can count.
You are not broken. And you’re not alone.
Speaking up is a vulnerable act – especially in groups, in public or when something matters. (Or when there are unequal power dynamics at play – which, let’s face it, is often.) That’s not a flaw. It’s old survival patterns. It’s your nervous system trying to keep you safe.
Let’s talk about how you can work with your nervous system – not against it – to feel safer and freer to be seen and heard, to connect with your people, and show up when it matters.
Before we dive in...
This is a juicy one! Long, generous (I think!) and packed with tips, tools and encouragement. If something in here speaks to you and you’d like to explore it in more depth and in good company, there’s an invitation at the end to join a new small-group workshop in London — you don’t have to go it alone ;)
Why you freeze up like a bashful clam 🦪
Imagine your nervous system as a clam at the beach – snapping shut at the first shadow that passes overhead. “Was that a predator or just a friendly fish? Better not risk it!” Your clam-brain doesn’t distinguish between an actual threat and your colleague asking for your ideas in a meeting.
When you freeze, fawn, go blank or babble, your nervous system is doing its job. It’s scanning the environment for cues of safety or danger (real or perceived) and when something feels threatening – like a group’s attention, a judgemental look or the fear of humiliation – it flips you into a survival state: fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It means your body learned – probably a long time ago – that being quiet, careful or invisible was the safest bet.
But now, that same strategy might be getting in the way of the life you want.
The good news is, you can change your response. But it doesn’t start with pushing harder.
It starts with helping your body feel a little safer, one small stretch at a time.
Why so much traditional advice can get in the bin 🗑️
Let’s have a spring clean. We’re chucking out everything that “doesn’t spark joy” (and we’re not even going to thank it first).
In the bin goes:
“Just be yourself”
“Think positive thoughts”
“Fake it ’til you make it”
“Just believe in yourself”
“Don’t be silly, nobody cares”
“Learn these 10 scripts to be the most charismatic person in any room”
“Just change your thoughts”
“Prepare small talk topics in advance”
“Picture everyone naked”
Anything else you want to add? Go for it.
I am personally throwing in:
“don’t be shy!” (So wildly unhelpful)
“try power posing” (Have you seen that guy on YouTube who yacks on about how nobody will trust you if you “stand like a woman”? – whatever TF that means – no. thank. you.)
“practice makes perfect” (There is no point whatsoever practicing your go-to panic response over and over and over – it’s just firming up the pattern that connects ‘speaking up’ to ‘freaking out’. Instead, we need to practice feeling comfortable while speaking up. That’s where the magic happens.)
If you’re socially anxious or have a deeply wired freeze or fawn response, trying to force yourself to act confident can actually amplify the shutdown.
And absorbing the message that you have to put on a mask, an act, or fundamentally hide who you are in order to get by – well, you can see how that might be fuelling the parts of you that are scared to risk being seen, heard and truly known.
On top of all that, none of that advice takes into account how fear actually functions in your mind and body – it overrides everything else and directs all brainpower to survival responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn).
In those moments when your heart is racing, your mouth is dry and your mind is blank, you simply don’t have access to rational thought, language, memory, creativity and all your usual brilliance.
So you will forget those superficial tips and tricks right along with all the details you practiced for your presentation, everything you did at the weekend when your colleague asks, and sometimes even how to pronounce your own name.
What works better?
Gentle, body-based, imagination-fuelled practice.
Playful, creative, low-stakes ways to experience:
Safety in your body
Success in being seen
Stretch without overwhelm
When we come together as a group, we can do this by:
Taking care of your own nervous system – and co-regulating (cool things can happen between bodies when we share time and space)
Creating conventions and guidelines of mutual respect, support and recognition
Inviting yourself into challenges, stepping back when you need to – aiming to stretch yourself just enough but not pushing yourself too far
There’s so much more to the nervous system than just being calm 🎢
Sometimes people think ‘nervous system regulation’ means turning into a monk in a candlelit cave. But ‘regulation’ isn’t about staying serene at all costs – it’s about being able to move smoothly between different states and swiftly return to a grounded baseline (aka your ‘window of capacity’ or ‘window of tolerance’).
And, crucially, there are many different states that count as ‘settled enough’ to show up and speak up.
You might feel calm.
But you might also feel:
Buzzed and alive.
A little silly.
Open and curious.
Warm and connected.
Ready.
These are all flavours of a ‘safe and social’ state – signs that your body feels safe enough to engage. That you feel secure enough to show up.
If your challenge is to speak up or be seen, deep stillness might not always be what you need. Trying to chase it might feel like flailing around with a net, trying to catch a hundred butterflies – impossible and unnecessary.
Instead, what if we let those butterflies reorganise themselves – from butterflies in your stomach to a social butterfly in the room.
That’s why we practice more than just calm.
Let’s play with what else is possible.
🦋
Be More Gutsy:
A practice lab for risk
A rehearsal for life
Think of your nervous system like a little rescue kitten. You wouldn’t expect sweet Fluffkins to suddenly feel comfortable in a crowded room just because you know they’re safe and you’ve told them to “be brave”. You’d create a gentle environment where they could gradually explore, try things out, learn that this new place is safe (on their own terms) and start to take bigger steps.
Here’s a taste of some of what I guide people through in my workshops (and how you can start playing with these ideas yourself).
Begin with Gutsy Groundwork
Before you speak, or perhaps as a morning practice, create a foundation of calm. Try:
Lizard vision: Fix on a point, then imagine your eyes are on the sides of your head like a lizard. Soften and expand your awareness to see everything at once – this peripheral trick instantly signals ‘all clear’ to your nervous system
Breathing: Three slow breaths, feeling your ribcage expand in all directions like a balloon
Body scanning: Notice where you’re holding tension, and imagine sending waves of warmth there
Mini-meditation: 30 seconds of noticing sounds around you, then gradually narrowing focus to your centre, like tuning your internal radio to calm confidence FM
Visualisation: Picture yourself wrapped in a soft, protective bubble of light, or imagine speaking with the ease of someone who’s totally comfortable in their own quirky skin
A note if these don’t feel soothing: If focusing on your internal experiences feels activating rather than calming (often the case for folks navigating the impact of trauma, for example), honour that response. Your body is giving you important information. Try focusing on external sensations instead, like the feeling of your feet on the floor, or gently waking up the surface of your skin with easy strokes or squeezes. There are plenty of other ideas here too, and you always have options. Giving yourself the choice is empowering – and just by saying “no, this isn’t for me”, you’re learning that you’re not trapped, you’re not being forced; you’re safe.
Sensory soothing
Before you speak, soothe your system. Try:
Sighing out loud (it releases tension)
Rubbing your hands together – squeeze, twist, stroke – explore what feels good
Wrapping yourself in a blanket or giving yourself a tight hug
Feeling your feet firmly planted on the ground or giving them a quick massage
TRY THIS: Next time, before a meeting or call, spend a minute or two doing one of these soothing practices. Notice: Does your voice feel different? More grounded? Do you feel like you’re more able to speak without losing a sense of connection with your body?
Exploratory movement
Movement dissolves tension and awakens your body’s natural expressiveness – perfect preparation for speaking with more ease. Working with the body is also a brilliant way to unearth memories, stories, habits and patterns that are keeping you stuck – and then we can start to create something new.
Play around with these:
Gentle rocking in your chair or twisting side to side, letting your arms swing
Shaking out your hands like you’re flinging off water
Pass an object back and forth from hand to hand, moving side to side across the midline of the body (here’s a video to show you)
Throw a tennis ball up in the air and catch it a few times – notice any sensations or thoughts that arise
Put on a piece of music and let your body move however feels good
NOTICE: After moving, say something out loud – read a poem, your to-do list, or just chat about how you’re feeling. Has something shifted? How connected do you feel to your voice?
Play and sound
Often when we feel stuck, shut down and frozen in parts of our life, that stiffness and rigidity creeps into how we move, think and speak too. Being a bit silly and playful can feel incredibly unfamiliar and scary – but letting loose, having fun and risking being seen as a little foolish might be exactly the medicine you’re craving. We can practice in small ways, easing into the playfulness like squeezing a little oil onto the Tin Man’s creaky limbs.
Gentle movement and vocal sounds bring you into the present while helping your breath to keep moving – essential for thoughts and expression to flow. Have a go with these:
Humming along to a favourite tune
Put on a song that suits your mood and dance or shake it all out
Play with miming a story without words – only sounds and exaggerated gestures
Make silly sounds in the shower
NOTICE: How does making sounds without words feel? Is there freedom there? Awkwardness? Playfulness?
Improv for the quiet-hearted
Imagine your speaking anxiety like a frozen pond. Improv is like dropping little pebbles that create tiny cracks, until one day you realise the whole thing has thawed and is now full of ripples and life.
Improvisation isn’t just for performers or comedians. It’s a tool for everyone who wants to think less and trust more.
Start tiny:
Say the first word that comes to mind when you look at ordinary objects
Tell a 1-minute story with a ridiculous ending
Start sentences with “Yes and...” instead of “but” or “well”
Narrate what you’re doing as you go about your day
TRY THIS: Pick a household object. Set a timer for 30 seconds and talk to the object as if it’s having a terrible day and needs cheering up. Doesn’t matter what you say – just keep talking until the timer goes off!
For those sharing living spaces: If privacy for these exercises is limited, try them in the shower or during a walk (you can put in earphones so people think you’re on a call).
Express yourself on paper
All these practices not only regulate your nervous system but also build confidence while also illuminating your specific challenges. Shining a light on what’s hard and where you’re stuck is challenging and gutsy work – and it gives you valuable clues about where to focus your attention to create major shifts. Take time to reflect on what you’ve discovered, and play with expressing yourself on paper.
Let yourself:
Free-write for 5 minutes after trying an exercise
Journal about a practice that helped you feel more settled or that created a shift in how your voice sounded
Draw a picture of how it felt when you were challenged – let it be quick, scrappy, symbolic and expressive
Draw another picture that symbolises how you’d love to feel in that situation instead
NOTICE: Does writing help you process and integrate your experiences? Did drawing help you get in touch with how you feel? Does putting words on paper make speaking them feel more possible?
Celebrate the risk
Every brave step is like planting a seed. Even when you can’t see growth happening, important changes are developing underground.
Every time you try – even if it’s awkward, even if your voice shakes – it counts.
TRY THIS: Keep a ‘gutsy log’ on your phone or notebook. Write down every time you make a brave move: ‘Phoned the dentist’, ‘tried an improv game’, ‘asked a question in a class’, ‘shared an idea at the meeting’, ‘showed up to the party’, ‘let myself leave the gathering when it was too much’, ‘moved to some music before my call’. Review it monthly to see your courage in action.
Why it matters 🌌
Imagine a world where all the thoughtful, nuanced, sensitive voices were heard just as clearly as the loud, confident ones. What problems might we solve? What connections might we forge?
This isn’t just about feeling confident at work or being able to introduce yourself without sweating (though those are great).
It’s about reclaiming your voice. It’s about finding a way to belong without pretending. It’s about making space in the world for quiet, thoughtful, sensitive people to lead, shape, connect – and be heard.
“In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” – Gandhi
We need you in the conversation. We need your perspective, your questions, your wisdom – even when (especially when) your voice shakes as you share it.
Want help with all this? 🪽
I’m working on a new small-group workshop.
Think of it as a safe place to practice floating before you swim out into the ocean.
If you’d love to practice these tools in a warm, supportive group, this 2-hour workshop is coming soon.
(There’ll be a few online and then I’ll be running them regularly in-person in London.)
It’s not about performing. It’s not about pushing. It’s a space to:
Play with gentle, nervous-system-friendly ways of speaking up
Try improv, movement, voice and storytelling prompts designed specifically for shy, self-conscious, sensitive or socially anxious folks
Get direct encouragement in a small, kind group
No spotlight. No pressure. Just support, stretch and some laughs.